My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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