on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
