two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
