Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Randomize
