I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize