I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
