NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
