you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
