I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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