Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize