That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Can I color on your dick again?
We have started to decorate penises.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Randomize
