im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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