If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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