you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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