dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
