long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
