It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
