Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
