I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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