You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
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