I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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