hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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