We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
