you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
