he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
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