I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
