dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
