I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
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