If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
