we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
