I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
