I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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