My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
third nipple confirmed
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
