Ambien. No doubt about it.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
There's always time for handjobs
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
