I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
i've created a new STD.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
