Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
