Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
