I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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