my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
