My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
