Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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