My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
