bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
When are your genitals available?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
