I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
