my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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