The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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