I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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