1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Pappa wants mamma naked
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
