theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
i wish my penis had a tongue
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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