allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
