The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
