she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
