He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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