Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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