I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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