Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Is her dick bigger than yours?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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