I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
