I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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