Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
