Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
