just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize