Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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