I seem to have left my pride at pride
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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