Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I touched a dick in church today
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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