I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
