sarcasm needs its own font
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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