you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
