Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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