How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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