Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
