i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
