The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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