there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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