My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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